


Obama's Immortal

by pigtailchick



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: I'm so so sorry for this, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4709354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigtailchick/pseuds/pigtailchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an ode to the classic fanfiction My Immortal, Barack Obama and Joe Biden find love and loss in the magical setting of Hogwarts.</p><p>dont read if u can't handl how goffik i am</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ebony Barack'ness Obama Raven Way

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/140843) by Tara Gilesbie. 



> AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf ronnie (ur goin down with me hon) 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! ur da luv of my deprzzing life! JOHN CENA ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Barack’ness Obama Raven Way and I have ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks. I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white (unlik me lol). I’m also a wizard, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of republicans stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Barack!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Joe Biden!

“What’s up Joe?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


	2. OMFG Obama!!!!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears.

My friend, Willow (AN: Romney dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his forest-green eyes. He put on his Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Joe Biden yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.  
“Do you like Joe?” he asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Joe walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Bill Clinton's Sexy Saxaphone

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Joe was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Joe!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Barack.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs (AN: legalize marriage iguana!!!). When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life.” sang Bill Clinton (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Bill is so fucking hot.” I said to Joe, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Joe looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Joe sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Bill and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Clinton. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Joe. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Bill for his autographs and photos with him and his sexy saxafone. We got GC concert tees. Joe and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Joe didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!


	4. He Put His Thingie in my You-Know-What

“JOE!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Joe didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Barack?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Joe leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Joe kissed me passionately. Joe climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….JOHN CENA!


	5. AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!!

John Cena made and Joe and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Joe comforted me. When we went back to the castle John Cena took us to Professor Boehner and Professor Warren who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor Warren.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Boehner.

And then Joe shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. John Cena and Professor Warren still looked mad but Professor Boehner said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Joe and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Barack?” Joe asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Joe was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Rand Paul Drinks Blood

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He was wearing red contact lenses just like Joe’s. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m the president so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Rand Paul, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Joe came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Bring me 2 life

Joe and I held our hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Joe. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Joe. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX IN DA BUTT. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Joe, Joe!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Joe’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Joe pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Joe ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Boehner and some other people.

“VAMPIRE PAUL, YOU FILTHY LIBERTARIAN!” I yelled.


	8. Michelle Bachmann, the Satanist

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Joe came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Barack, it’s not what you think!” Joe screamed sadly.

My friend Michelle B’loody smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Michelle was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Donald Trump killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is B’loody and not Bacman. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Boehner demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Joe!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Barack was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Barack) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Sarah, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

“But I’m not going out with Joe anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Joe and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Mexicans!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Joe for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Joe.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with a bad twopay and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He looked like a corps and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Donald Trump!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Trump shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Mexicans!” I shouted at him. Trump fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Barack.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Paul!”

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Joe had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Joe went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Trump!” I shouted back.

Trump gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Joe!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Trump got a dude-ur-so-stupid look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Joe!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Joe came into the woods.

“Joe!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.


	10. Obama ain't no slut

I was really scared about Turmp all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic White House 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are Michelle B’loody, Vampire, Joe, Ron Paul (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Goerg W Bush. Only today Joe and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Joe was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my chest and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Barack! Are you OK?” Michelle B’loody asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Trump came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Rand! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Joe. But if I don’t kill Rand, then Trump, will fucking kill Joe!” I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Joe jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser tea party bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Joe started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly John Sena walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Barack Joe has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”


End file.
